SHE IS THE COOLEST!
NO matter how hard something is, or how much you don’t want to do something…sometimes it is necessary to do what is best for you. The best thing Is never the easy thing to do, and sometimes it hurts the most. You gotta do, what you gotta do. You need to keep yourself strong and sane, or who else will? If someone makes you feel weak: leave them. If someone makes you feel sad: leave them. The person you are meant to be with should make you feel strong, and happy. I can say that after the last 6 months of my life, there is only one thing that makes me happy. One thing that fills the void I was trying to find in worldly pleasures and sin. There is only one thing that will help me feel strong, and that one thing is God. I felt his presence today for the first time in a long time today. I felt what I was actually being lead to do, and I felt strength from him. I know at this moment what I have been missing in my life, and this clarity is the best feeling I have had in a long time. NO matter how much the worldly things hurt, or how much I wish it could be different: I have no choice. A drastic change in my life is what I am being lead to do. It is a great feeling to know that the pain from the heartbreak and sin will pass, and God will be here forever.
Beauty can only take you so far, and lies can take you just a little bit further. Eventually, one after another they build on top of each other and come crumbling down to crush the beauty you once saw. Lies build a cocoon around your eyes and keep you in the dark, to where you are left with nothing but your thoughts in the darkness.
Maybe I’m holding onto what was.
What used to be.
Maybe I’m chasing after a lost cause.
What used to be.
It breaks my heart ‘cause I know it’s true.
Maybe isn’t a question anymore, you’ve paid your dues.
To what used to be.
Last fall life was so much different. It is amazing to me how much can change in a year. How much life can change. How much my life has changed. A year has gone by so fast; last fall I was living another life, as a totally different person. In a way it has been the shortest year of my life because it has gone by incredibly fast, yet in another way it has been the longest because of how much has changed. My attitude, my relationships, my school, my job, where I live, and my heart have all changed since this time last year. Change is the inevitable, and i absolutely love it. I never would have guessed that I would be where I am today, loving where I am and the person that I have become since last fall: life couldn’t be any sweeter. It is now fall again, I am anxious to continue to watch the leaves change, along with my life.
True beauty is not something that you look for on the outside. It’s like an acquired taste that you learn to appreciate over time. Finding true beauty is not easy to accomplish, you have to be deliberately looking for it. Like food, you learn to appreciate the unique flavors of the person by repeated exposure; and once you find it you just can’t get enough!! The sad thing is that some people never find it, and the ones that do should hold onto it; because true flavors never change.
“We must be our own before we can be another’s.” - Robert Waldo Emmerson
I found this quote interesting, and repulsively true. I recently have came to the understanding that I am not the person I thought I was. Losing yourself is easy, but finding yourself again is the hard part…if again is even the right word to use. I am coming to realize that maybe I didn’t know myself from the start; or maybe I was just in denial of myself all along. It’s funny how it only takes one person to show you that you know nothing about yourself. It is hard not to blame that person, when really the only one you have to blame is you. It is a harsh reality when you see that everything you thought you knew about yourself is complete and utter bullshit. If you don’t know who you are, you can be nothing to someone else.
It can be a battle when it comes to writing. The words I type, how will they sound to the naked ear? The shit that i say!! Does it have to come out that way? I realize it is not up to me, from head to hand the words start pouring. I cannot control what my hands decide to write, I get lost in my own mind. I loose control of my actions, my hands, my eyes, my thoughts, my mind, and myself. It is a never ending battle, and the ending is never satisfying.
How do you have a hold of me so tightly that I can’t let go even if I want to? How can one person make me feel as if I don’t even know who I am? I feel like I am an old tree that is about to be chopped down. I have been here for years watching destruction, and I have to stand here quietly. Now I see what is about to happen to me; I am about to be chopped down, and there is nothing that I can do about it. I know that it is all about to be over. The person who is chopping me down is going to move away, go on with their life, and never think twice about the tree that they destroyed. They won’t think twice about the destruction they made along the way, and all that I (the tree) saw in my last days.